by Wade Nelson, Director, Institute of Para-Normal Cycling Studies
( Who you gonna call? )
Everthing that goes up must come down, we are taught. While lawn darts and
arrows shot straight up by 12 year olds may bear this theory out, everyday
bicycling offers equal and opposite proof to the contrary. For example,
have you ever encountered a bi-directional opposing headwind (BDOH)? This
is a 15 knot gale which is in your face both on the ride out, and also on
the ride back.
Such a wind is contrary to Newton's obscure, and seldom mentioned 4th law,
which deals with weather, and crop circles. Yet, cyclists encounter BDOH's
with some regularity. Bi-directional headwinds and other cycling phenomena
can be described quite readily using Cyclo-Math.
Cyclo-Math is an obscure branch of mathematics for dealing with phenomena
which defy all known axioms of Newtonian Physics, and relativistic bicycle
mechanics. Cyclo-Math accurately describes para-normal phenomena cyclists
encounter almost every day.
Meteorologists have no explanation for the bi-directional opposing
headwind, nor can physicists explain the double-ramped hill (DRH). This is a
road which poses an uphill climb in either direction, and cannot be coasted
back down from either. Some double-ramped hills are actually man-made
phenomena. DRH's can be created by highway crews who really don't like
cyclists using a special high friction asphalt coating. Motorists never
notice the slight increae in drag and simply press the accelerator a little harder.
Other DRH's are merely optical illusions, such as a less steep piece of
road followed by major steep. The first section can look like a gentle
downhill compared to the 7% grade which follows. Yet other DRH's are
simply flat stretches of road experiencing a prevailing bidirectional opposing headwind.
True DRH's exist, however, and have been documented on virtually every
major bicycle training route in the Western US. Some scientiests have argued a
true DRH's is a macro manifestation of an inverted cannondale quantum tunneling
effect.
A subset of Cyclo-Math is Training Group Theory. What TGT says, in so many
words, is that no matter how hard you train, when it comes time to race,
someone who has trained longer and harder shall appear - usually from out
of town. This is kind of like Newtons 3rd law - equal and opposites -
except, in TGT, it's always a stronger and faster rider that will oppose
you.
Another branch of cyclo-math has to do with tools, pumps, valves, and is
called Accesso-Algebra. Like Chaos theory, Accesso-Algebra insists that
if someone with Presta valves has a flat, the only rider in the group
carrying a pump will have a Schaeder pump. Adapters provide the
matrix-relaxation equivalent hardware for Accesso-Algebra, allowing
solution of at least one of the equations. Don't leave home without one.
Accesso-Algebra has ben used to proven that if you break something in the
boonies, theres a 97.8% chance you won't have the right tool or spare to
fix it, no matter WHAT you carry with you. By carrying an entire, spare,
bicycle with you, you can only reduce that metric down to 92%. The moral?
Give up. Carry nothing and say an ohm to the God's of cycling prior to
departure.
Bike shops use Cyclo-Math in figuring out what repairs your bike needs.
You know, you go in for a broken spoke, and come out with a new freewheel,
a repacked headset, and a RockShock Mag21. The ability to convert $2 worth
of spokes into $200 worth of service and parts is why bike shop owners love
Cyclo-Math.
For spoke length and gearing calculations, Cyclo-Math says it all. No
matter what beautiful and fantastic lacing pattern you come up with,
spokes of the necessary length do not exist. You'll have to cut them.
Ditto for gearing. For any desired gearing arrangement -- half step,
mis-step, or Texas two-step, Cyclomath ensures the cogs you'll need to make it happen will not be available, at least not at your local bike shop. Crossing a time zone can
flatten the cyclo-math matrix, meaning mail order cogs MAY be available
which will meet your needs.
Motorists use cyclo-math when choosing how and when to unsafely pass a
cyclist. If there's a car back, and a car up, there's a 99.44% chance they
will BOTH adjust their trajectories to cross paths at exactly at the point
in the road where you are cycling, no matter what speed they were traveling
at previously. These are the same people who can't solve the train going
40 mph problems in 7th grade, but CycloMath provides such intuitive
solutions to intercept trajectories even Iraqi pilots are able to utilize it.
Any chain-suck your bike has recently experienced can be amplified by the
Cyclo-Math matrix to suck a 4000 pound passing pickup truck over to where
their rear view mirror will pass within inches of you. Its like a pinhead
sized black hole sucking in a 4AU neutron star. Logic, math, and chain
suck are all warped in Cyclo-Math-space. Grok it, and you can cyclo-tour
the universe.
Potholes, road debris, gravel, glass, and dogs are strategically
located along preferred cycling routes using a Cyclo-math computer program
at the Department of Transportation. The orange trucks now have GPS recievers to tell
them, within plus or minus three feet, where to lay down a major crack in
the asphalt or where to throw a shovel-full of gravel. This is the same exact
spot where Billy Bob will finish his Pabst Blue Ribbon and throw the empty
out the window, completely unaware he's caught up in the Cyclo-Math web of
influence.
Cyclists can also be found using cyclo-math. Instead of pedaling ten
pounds of lard off their butts, and in the process getting in great shape,
they'll spend an extra $1000 on a titanium framed bike that's ten pounds lighter.
The cyclo-math here has to do with fractions and proportions. For example,
if a titanium road bike costs $175 per pound saved, and a Double-Whopper
with cheese, large fries, apple pie and a shake will put exactly two and a
half pounds of lard on your ass, how many whoppers do you have to eat to
justify buying that Clark Kent frame? Its easy! Just use Cyclo-math!
If you've encountered any other para-normal situations where Cyclo-Math
based phenomena appeared to be occuring, (repeatably) please contact the author. Your
name will be kept anonymous while our team of experts wearing the
appropriate bicycling safety gear go out and investigate.
WADENELSON @ FRONTIER.NET
420 1/2 East Fifth Avenue If you can't afford Titanium:
Durango, Colorado 81301-5615 TRAIN!